Men's libido

Most men know it themselves: as a man, you don’t always feel like having sex. In a relationship between two men, there is often a bit more understanding of that fact, perhaps because both partners know how it feels. But in a heterosexual relationship, this can sometimes cause tension. Because if we are to believe the media and our culture, "men" are always in the mood. It is "the woman" who, due to a headache, stress, the children, or whatever else, is not in the mood.

Guess what: men, women, and everyone in between are all HUMAN. And in general, people are more often not in the mood for sex than they are.

Why does it seem like men are in the mood more often?

This has a lot to do with how we were raised and the stories our culture tells. From a young age, boys are taught that sexuality should be self-evident and always present for them. Men who are not in the mood are quickly labeled "not masculine enough." This causes many men to hide their lack of desire; out of shame, or out of fear of disappointing their partner.

Women receive the exact opposite signal: that sex is something you "give" to your partner, not something you actively want yourself. These expectations influence how we talk about desire and how much space we give ourselves to be honest.

The result? A distorted image. Men pretend they are always in the mood. Women feel guilty when they are not. And no one talks about it openly.

Is there a difference in sex drive between men and women?

Research shows that, on average, there are some differences in how libido manifests, but they are nowhere near as large as we often think, and they are strongly influenced by context. Women more often have so-called responsive desire: the mood only comes once they are already being stimulated, not before. Men more often have spontaneous desire: the mood arises seemingly out of thin air.

That difference in pattern is often confused with a difference in intensity. But someone with responsive desire doesn't want sex any less; the desire just starts differently. And men can also have responsive desire, even though it is rarely talked about.

What truly influences libido has little to do with gender and much more to do with: stress, sleep, hormones, self-confidence, how safe you feel in a relationship, and how attractive you feel yourself.

Why might a man not be in the mood for sex?

There are a whole host of reasons why someone might not be in the mood for sex. It can also be a combination of reasons. And the reason doesn't have to be something very big, either. We have listed some of the most common reasons for you:

Stress and fatigue: A busy job, financial worries, or sleep deprivation significantly inhibit desire.
Hormonal fluctuations: Testosterone fluctuates. That is normal and human.
Mental health: Depression, anxiety, and burnout significantly dampen libido.
Medication: Antidepressants, blood pressure medication, and other drugs can reduce the desire for sex.
Problems in the relationship: If there is tension, unresolved conflict, or emotional distance, desire is often the first thing to disappear.
Physical complaints: Pain, illness, or fatigue obviously play a role as well.
Changes in body or self-image: Weight gain, aging, or an injury can influence someone's desire.

None of these things is a sign of weakness or a (major) problem in the relationship. It is just life.

In the mood to masturbate, but not for sex with your partner?

This is an experience many people recognize, but few talk about. And it truly applies to everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Masturbation asks little of you: there is no coordination required, no focus on someone else, no performance. You determine the pace and the moment yourself. Sex with a partner requires more: emotional presence, energy, connection. Sometimes you are in need of relaxation and physical release, but not that whole interaction.

That says nothing negative about your partner or your relationship. It says something about how much capacity you have within yourself at that moment. And that is okay.

What do you do if you are in the mood and your partner isn't?

First, and this may sound obvious but cannot be emphasized enough: never force anything. Sex should be voluntary and enjoyable for both partners. Applying pressure (however subtle) damages trust and intimacy in the long run.

If you are in the mood and your partner is not, there is such a thing as masturbation, even in a relationship. That is completely okay. It is not a sign that something is wrong with your relationship, or that your partner is not attractive enough. It is simply a practical, healthy solution. People in relationships masturbate — that is normal and human.

What does help: open communication. Not in the heat of the moment, but during a calm conversation. What does each of you need? When do you feel more or less in the mood? What makes it easier or harder?

And especially for women in a heterosexual relationship:

If your male partner indicates he is not in the mood, it is not a rejection of you. It is not proof that he does not find you attractive, or that he is cheating, or that the relationship is on the rocks. It is just a human being who is not in the mood for sex at that moment, just as you are sometimes not.

You don't have to feel guilty if he is in the mood and you are not, and you don't have to panic if the roles are reversed. Desire is not a constant. It ebbs and flows, for everyone, always.

The myth that men are always ready to go shortchanges both men and women. Men feel the pressure to always be "on." Women feel rejected or inadequate if that is not the case. Both are unnecessary burdens.

What helps: curiosity instead of assumptions. Connection instead of performance. And above all: the space to simply be human.

Back to blog

5 knots for beginners

where to start (and where not to, just yet) First, a secret that most lists won't tell you: shibari is barely about knots. A tie stays in place primarily through wraps and frictions, the points where rope clamps against rope. Knots are used sparingly, and the most important requirement is that they cannot tighten. Remember that, and you are already further ahead than most beginners. In this blog, you will read about the five ties you will encounter first, what they do, and who they are suitable for. To truly learn them, you need visuals. That is why we refer to videos and workshops when practicing. Before you begin: 5 points of safety Safety shears within reach. Not regular scissors, but blunt-tip shears, which allow you to quickly cut rope without touching skin. Know the sensitive areas. The upper arm (especially the outer side) and the wrist have nerves that lie just below the skin. Pressure there can cause nerve damage within minutes. Stop at these signs: tingling, numbness, a cold or discolored hand or foot, or a wrist that cannot extend properly. Do not "finish up first," but release immediately. Agree in advance: what is and is not okay, and establish a safeword or signal. Maintain contact while tying and ask regularly how it feels. Never leave someone who is tied up alone. Not even "for a second." 1. Single column tie: the foundation of everything With this tie, you secure one body part, such as a wrist or ankle. Almost every other tie begins with this, so learn this first. What it is about: you fold the rope in half, wrap it twice around the wrist, and secure it with a knot that cannot close, such as a Somerville bowline. A regular double knot is actually unsafe here: if the rope is pulled, the wraps will tighten. Check: you should be able to slide two fingers between the rope and the skin. Suitable for beginners: yes. This is your starting point. See how the rope runs: video by Crash Restraint 2. Double column tie: two wrists or ankles together The same concept as the single column, but for two body parts next to each other. After the wraps, you pass the rope through between the wrists or ankles one or two times, around the wraps. That cinch ensures the tie cannot tighten. Suitable for beginners: yes, as soon as the single column is solid. See how the rope runs: video by Kinetik Speicher 3. Chest harness: your first real structure A chest harness with rope lines above and below the breasts, secured over the shoulders. It immediately looks like shibari and is the basis for many subsequent ties. Note: the harness must not restrict breathing. Have your partner take a deep breath while you tie. If that isn't possible, it's too tight. Suitable for beginners: yes, as a second or third step. See how the rope runs: video by Crash Restraint 4. Futomomo: the bent leg This involves tying a leg in a bent position, thigh against calf. A nice tie to practice with because fewer vulnerable nerves are involved compared to the arms. Note: not everyone can comfortably bend their knee fully. Keep the tie short initially, a few minutes, and watch the circulation of the foot. Suitable for beginners: yes. See how the rope runs: video by MaillerPhong 5. Takate kote: beautiful, but not for now The takate kote ties the arms behind the back with rope lines around the upper arms. It is perhaps the classic of Japanese bondage, and because of that, it appears on almost every beginners' list. We intentionally do not do that: the rope lines run exactly over the nerve on the outside of the upper arm. Nerve damage from a takate kote occurs regularly, even with experienced binders. Our advice: save this tie until you have mastered the basics, and learn it from someone standing next to you, for example in a workshop. We recommend the workshops of KiNKhearted. What rope do you need? For beginners, softer rope works best. It provides enough grip but isn't so tight that you can't get it undone. Start with a 5-meter rope, as this is easier to manage. Our LieLei Bondage Rope is 5 or 10 meters long, [thickness] mm thick, and made of cotton, hemp, and/or jute. You don't need to treat the ropes anymore, so they are ready to use immediately. Furthermore, they are soft, which is ideal for beginners and kind to the skin. Check out the entire shibari collection. How to practice smart Practice the single column first on your own leg or a chair leg, until you can tie it without thinking. Use videos to see how the rope runs. Text alone is not enough. Want to learn faster and safer? Take a workshop. Someone watching you will immediately see what you are missing. FAQ: frequently asked questions about shibari knots Which rope is best for beginners?Natural rope made of cotton, jute, or hemp about 6 mm thick. It grips better than synthetic rope, so your ties will stay in place better. Is shibari safe?It can be safe if you know where the risks are. Use knots that cannot tighten, avoid pressure on the upper arm and wrist, keep safety shears on hand, and release immediately if there is tingling or numbness. Can I practice shibari on myself?Yes, you can perfectly practice tying the single column and double column on your own leg. For harnesses and arm ties, you need someone else, and those are best learned under supervision. Which shibari knot should I learn first?The single column tie. Almost every other tie builds upon this. Are you ready to surrender to the meditative power of Shibari? Let the fun begin! 💙

Practicing Shibari knots at home

The Practical Guide for Beginners You’ve just been introduced to shibari and you’re fascinated. Now you want to get started yourself: tying knots, feeling how it works, and learning from what works and what doesn't. Great plan. Here are five practical tips for your first practice sessions at home. 1. Choose the Right Rope Not all rope is the same. For shibari, the rule is: natural hemp or jute. This rope has grip and gives you a real feel for the knots you are tying. Nylon might seem tempting, but it hurts the skin and can cause rope burn or other painful areas. Tip: New jute rope can be a bit stiff. Soaping it gently and letting it dry helps. 2. Have a Shibari Shear Ready This is not optional: it is essential. A shibari shear (or standard scissors with short blades) must always be within reach. Not because everything will go wrong, but because you need to be able to release quickly in case of panic, pain, or tingling. Make sure you and your partner know where the shears are located. 3. Check In, Check In, Check In You are learning. This means you must regularly feel and ask: Are hands and fingers still warm and pink? Any tingling or numbness? How does it feel? Too tight? Okay? Feedback from your partner (yourself or someone else) is worth its weight in gold. Those are your best lessons. 4. Not Hours in the Rope Don't tie for too long (definitely not for hours) and ensure that you untie everything after practicing. Your body will tell you what it needs; listen to it. 5. Set Ground Rules in Advance Are you going to practice together? Great. But make sure you both know the plan. Anyone acting as a "partner" wants to know that is the goal—no surprises. Clarity makes everything easier. More Than Just Tying Knots? Shibari is more than technique — it can also be meditative, a moment of peace and connection. If you want to take it beyond the practice phase and explore that deeper side, we have more tips for you here. Read: The Meditative Side of Shibari FAQ — Practicing Shibari at Home How long does it take before I can tie a knot? That depends on practice and patience. Some grasp it in a few sessions, others take more time. Enjoy the learning process. What if my partner feels pain? Stop. Untie the rope. Talk about it. Maybe it was too tight, maybe your angle was wrong. Better luck next time. Can I practice alone? Yes, definitely. You can practice on yourself or on a mannequin / pillow. This gives you room to experiment without pressure. How much rope do I need? For a basic section, you need about 5-8 meters. You can always buy more to try out different lengths. Is shibari safe? Yes — if you are careful, check in, and don't pinch. Knowledge and caution make it safe.

De Meditatieve Kant van Shibari - LieLei

The Meditative Side of Shibari

Calm, Connection & Self-Love You can learn shibari as a technique: tying knots, following patterns, mastering motor skills. But there is something else, too. For many, shibari is much more than that. It is meditation. Mindfulness. A moment when everything around you falls away and only the moment, the rope, and your attention remain. This blog is about that other side. Shibari as a Meditative Practice Meditation doesn't have to mean sitting still on a mat. For many, true calm begins the moment you feel your body, consciously feel your breath, and your attention is completely in the here and now. Shibari can be that. When you move foot by foot, knot by knot, with full attention on how the rope feels, how it wraps around skin, how your partner or you yourself are reacting, something happens. Your thoughts about work, stress, what you need to do... they disappear. There is only this moment. The Moment of Escape We live in a world full of distractions. Pings, buzzes, messages. Shibari is one of those things where you aren't supposed to use your phone. You need two hands. Your attention is indivisible. That is valuable. For many people, shibari is the place where they can finally switch off. Not because something "has" to happen, but because the moment itself, the sensation, the focus, the attention for someone else or yourself, is enough. Connection: With Yourself and With Another Shibari can be solo: you feel your own body, your breath, your calm. But shibari can also be a moment of deep connection with someone else. Not merely physical, but also energetic. You are completely present for someone, feeling their body, their breath, their trust. And they feel your attention in return. That is intimate. And for many, much more intense than physical contact alone. It is about trust. Does your partner know you are careful, attentive, present? Then they can fully relax. And that feeling goes both ways. Breath & Relaxation When rope embraces your body, something happens with your nerves. Your breathing can become deeper. Your heart rate can slow down. This is the parasympathetic nervous system at work: the same system that helps you sleep. You feel safe. And in that safety, calm emerges. For people who live in their heads or carry a lot of tension in their bodies, this can mean a breakthrough. Shibari & Self-Love Shibari is also a way to embrace yourself. Literally. Feeling your body, being aware of your own preferences (what feels pleasant, what doesn't), taking yourself seriously. That is self-love. When you use shibari to get in touch with yourself, to feel, to listen to your body, you are giving yourself attention in a way that many of us do not. And that changes something. How Do You Start With This? If you already know how to tie (if not, see our blog on how to start), you can take the next step: Ensure space: No distractions, no rushing. Half an hour where you won't be interrupted. Set an intention: For yourself or with your partner: what do you want to feel today? Calm? Connection? "Setting an intention" is part of the meditation. Breathe: Before you begin, take a few deep breaths. This helps your body and mind let go of the chores. Tie carefully: Not quickly. Feel the rope. Feel your body. Look at your partner if you are together, look into their eyes. This is attention. Sit still: After tying: sit for a moment, feel, be. This is the highlight. Not "doing" something, but being with the moment. Untie carefully: Let go of the moment softly. Massage the places where the rope was. Take your time. Many Things At Once Here's the thing: shibari can be both technique and meditation. You can practice knots and meditate with rope on the same day. The one does not exclude the other. Start where you are. Some start with pure interest in knots. And gradually, they feel that deeper calm. Others seek meditative calm right away. Both are okay. More Questions? Would you like some deeper tips, or do you have questions about how to apply this? Slide into our DMs on Instagram or email us at info@lielei.nl. We are happy to help. #talkwithlielei FAQ — Meditative Shibari Do you have to be spiritual to experience shibari as meditation? No. This isn't about spiritual woo-woo. This is simply neuroscience, what happens in your body and brain when you are fully present. Anyone can feel that. Can I practice this solo, or do I need someone? Both. Solo shibari can be very meditative; you feel your own body. With a partner, it can be even more intense because of the connection. It depends on your preference. How long does it take before you feel that "meditative feeling"? That varies. Some feel it immediately; others need a few sessions. Expectation can work against it; focus on the moment itself, not on "should I be calm now." Can shibari really help with stress? Yes. Because it gets you out of your head and into your body. That is where stress is resolved. But shibari is no substitute for professional help in cases of severe stress or trauma. What if I can't feel the meditative part? That's okay. Not everyone experiences it the same way. Some find the calm in the movement itself, not in "being." That counts, too. Can this help with trauma or dissociation? This is delicate territory. For some, body awareness is very healing. For others, it can be triggering. If necessary, seek guidance from a therapist.