Men's libido

Most men know it themselves: as a man, you don't always feel like having sex. In a relationship between two men, there's often more understanding for this, perhaps because both partners know what that feels like. But in a heterosexual relationship, this can sometimes cause tension. Because if we are to believe the media and our culture, "the man" always feels like it. It's "the woman" who, due to a headache, stress, the children, or fill in the blank, is not in the mood.

Guess what: men, women, and everyone in between are all PEOPLE. And people generally more often don't feel like sex than they do.

Why, then, does it seem like men more often feel like it?

This largely has to do with how we were raised and the stories our culture tells. From a young age, boys are taught that sexuality should be self-evident and always present for them. Men who don't feel like it are quickly labeled as "not masculine enough." This causes many men to hide their lack of desire; out of shame, or out of fear of disappointing their partner.

Women, on the other hand, receive the opposite signal: that sex is something you "give" to your partner, not something you actively want yourself. These expectations influence how we talk about desire and how much room we give ourselves to be honest.

The result? A distorted picture. Men pretend they always feel like it. Women feel guilty if they don't. And no one talks about it openly.

Is there a difference in sex drive between men and women?

Research shows that, on average, there are some differences in how libido manifests, but these are not nearly as significant as we often think, and they are strongly influenced by context. Women more often have what is called a responsive desire: the desire only comes once they are already stimulated, not before. Men more often have a spontaneous desire: the desire seemingly arises out of nowhere.

This difference in pattern is often confused with a difference in intensity. But someone with responsive desire doesn't want sex any less, the desire just starts differently. And men can also have responsive desire, although it is rarely discussed.

What truly influences libido has little to do with gender and much more with: stress, sleep, hormones, self-confidence, how safe you feel in a relationship, and how attractive you feel yourself.

Why might a man not feel like having sex?

There are many reasons why someone doesn't feel like having sex. It can also be a combination of reasons. And the reason doesn't have to be very big. We have listed some of the most common reasons for you:

• Stress and fatigue: A busy job, financial worries, or lack of sleep strongly inhibit desire.
• Hormonal fluctuations: Testosterone fluctuates. That is normal and human.
• Mental health: Depression, anxiety, and burnout significantly suppress libido.
• Medication: Antidepressants, blood pressure reducers, and other medications can reduce sex drive.
• Relationship problems: If there is tension, unresolved conflicts, or emotional distance, the desire often disappears first.
• Physical complaints: Pain, illness, or fatigue naturally also play a role.
• Changes in body or self-image: Weight gain, aging, or an injury can affect one's desire.

None of these things are a sign of weakness or a (major) problem in the relationship. It's just life.

Feel like masturbating, but not having sex with your partner?

This is an experience that many people recognize but is rarely talked about. And it truly applies to everyone, regardless of gender or sexual preference.

Masturbation demands little of you: no coordination is needed, no attention for another, no performance. You determine the pace and the moment yourself. Sex with a partner demands more: emotional presence, energy, connection. Sometimes you are ready for relaxation and physical release, but not for the whole interaction.

That says nothing negative about your partner or your relationship. It says something about how much space you have within yourself at that moment. And that's okay.

What do you do if you feel like it and your partner doesn't?

First, and this may sound obvious but cannot be emphasized enough: never force anything. Sex should be voluntary and pleasurable for both partners. Applying pressure (however subtle) damages trust and intimacy in the long run.

If you feel like it and your partner doesn't, there's also something like masturbation in a relationship. That's completely okay. It's not a sign that something is wrong with your relationship, or that your partner isn't attractive enough. It's just a practical, healthy solution. People in relationships masturbate — that's normal and human.

What does help: open communication. Not at the moment itself, but in a calm conversation. What does each of you need? When do you feel more or less in the mood? What makes it easier or harder?

And especially for women in a heterosexual relationship:

If your male partner indicates he doesn't feel like it, that is not a rejection of you. It is not proof that he doesn't find you attractive, or that he is cheating, or that the relationship is falling apart. He is just a human being who at that moment does not feel like sex, just as you sometimes don't.

You don't have to feel guilty if he feels like it and you don't, and you don't have to panic if it's the other way around. Desire is not constant. It ebbs and flows, with everyone, always.

The myth that men are always ready shortchanges both men and women. Men feel the pressure to always be "on." Women feel rejected or inadequate if that's not the case. Both unnecessary burdens.

What helps: curiosity instead of assumptions. Connection instead of performance. And above all: the space to just be human.