Why is there shame around sex toys?

You buy a vibrator. It arrives in a neutral box, discreetly packaged. And yet, when you open the door for the delivery person, you feel a wave of... what exactly? Guilt? Embarrassment? The feeling that you're doing something wrong, when in fact you've just bought something nice for yourself. If you recognize that, you're in good company. Shame around sex, and certainly around sex toys, runs deep. But where does it come from? And more importantly: what do you do with it?

It's in our language

Start at the beginning: the words we use. In Dutch, we have 'schaamstreek' (pubic area), 'schaamlip' (labium), 'schaamhaar' (pubic hair). The word shame ('schaamte') is literally woven into it. That's no coincidence: it's a cultural legacy that tells us how we've thought about our bodies for generations.

That language has consequences. Research shows that one third of young women don't dare to go to the gynecologist when they have complaints, simply out of shame. Two thirds barely dare to pronounce the words 'vagina' or 'vulva'. If you already struggle to say the word, how big is the step to buying a sex toy?

Upbringing, religion, and culture: a triple brake

For many people, there are three major sources of sexual shame: upbringing, religion, and culture. At home, you might have been taught that sex is something for 'later' or 'for marriage'. At school, you learned biology, but not pleasure. And in many religious upbringings, sexuality is something you manage, not something you celebrate.

On top of that comes the culture you grew up in. Someone with a conservative background, whether religious, cultural, or geographical, experiences a very different norm than someone who grew up in a 'freer' household.

What we notice at LieLei: people we know well, who are genuinely not prudish, prefer not to order from us. Because they are afraid that we will see what they buy. Whereas: we started a webshop with sex toys. So, who are we to judge?!

And then there's the porn culture

On the other side of the spectrum is porn culture, which creates a very different kind of shame. Porn has normalized sex for many people, but a very specific version of sex. A version that is not realistic for most people, not healthy, and has little to do with real intimacy.

This creates a double message: sex is everywhere (in series, advertisements, social media), but your real sexuality, with your own body, your own desires, your own toys, that you have to hide.

Women versus men: two very different stories

Shame also works differently by gender (in this case specifically male and female). For women, sex toys have increasingly been framed as empowerment in recent years: self-knowledge, pleasure, independence. And it works: 69% of Dutch women now own a sex toy. That's a huge shift.

For men, it's different. A sex toy for a man quickly raises questions about masculinity or sexuality. And anal toys for heterosexual men? That is still one of the biggest taboos. It is directly associated with sexual orientation, while there is no connection whatsoever.

This inequality is ironic: female pleasure is increasingly celebrated, but male sexual self-exploration remains surrounded by shame. That doesn't help anyone move forward.

Shame is learned. And that's good news!

The beautiful (and hopeful) thing about shame is this: it's learned. You weren't born with it. That also means you can unlearn it. Not in one day, not by forcing yourself, but by gradually becoming more curious about yourself and what you enjoy.

Start small. Talk to a friend. Visit a webshop like lielei.nl without the pressure to buy something, just to discover what exists. Read articles (good job!). Every small step is a way to rewrite that old story.

Because you deserve a sex life without shame. Period.

If you want to know more about shame and taboos surrounding sex toys, intimacy? Then listen to the Make Love Work podcast.