Why is there shame around sex toys?
You buy a vibrator. It arrives in a neutral box, discreetly packaged. And yet, when you open the door for the delivery person, you feel a wave of... what exactly? Guilt? Embarrassment? The feeling that you are doing something wrong, when in reality you have just bought something nice for yourself. If you recognize that, you are in good company. Shame surrounding sex, and certainly surrounding sex toys, runs deep. But where does it come from? And more importantly: what do you do about it?
It’s in our language
Start at the beginning: the words we use. In Dutch, we have 'schaamstreek' (pubic area), 'schaamlip' (labia), 'schaamhaar' (pubic hair). The word 'schaamte' (shame) is literally woven into them. That is no coincidence: it is a cultural legacy that tells us how we have thought about our bodies for generations.
That language has consequences. Research shows that one-third of young women are afraid to go to the gynecologist if they have complaints, simply out of shame. Two-thirds barely dare to say the words 'vagina' or 'vulva' out loud. If you already have trouble saying the word, how big is the step to buying a sex toy?
Upbringing, religion, and culture: a triple restraint
For many people, there are three major sources of sexual shame: upbringing, religion, and culture. At home, you might have been told that sex is for 'later' or 'for marriage'. At school, you learned the biology, but not the pleasure. And in many religious upbringings, sexuality is something you manage, not something you celebrate.
On top of that comes the culture in which you grew up. Someone with a conservative background, whether religious, cultural, or geographical, experiences a very different norm than someone who grew up in a 'freer' household.
What we notice at LieLei: people we know well, who are definitely not prudish, prefer not to order from us. Because they are afraid that we will see what they are buying. Even though: we started a webshop with sex toys. So, who are we to judge?!
And then there is porn culture
On the other side of the spectrum is porn culture, which creates a very different kind of shame. Porn has normalized sex for many people, but a very specific version of sex. A version that is not realistic for most people, not healthy, and has little to do with real intimacy.
That creates a mixed message: sex is everywhere (in series, advertisements, social media), but your own real sexuality, with your own body, your own desires, your own toys, that you have to hide.
Women versus men: two very different stories
Shame also works differently by gender. For women, sex toys have increasingly been framed as empowerment in recent years: self-knowledge, pleasure, independence. And it works: 69% of Dutch women now own a sex toy. That is a huge shift.
For men, it is different. A sex toy for a man quickly raises questions about masculinity or sexuality. And anal toys for heterosexual men? That is still one of the biggest taboos. It is immediately associated with sexual orientation, while there is no connection whatsoever.
That inequality is ironic: female pleasure is increasingly celebrated, but male sexual self-exploration remains surrounded by shame. That helps no one.
Shame is learned. And that is good news!
The beautiful (and hopeful) thing about shame is this: it is learned. You weren't born with it. That also means you can unlearn it. Not in one day, not by forcing yourself, but by becoming curious about yourself and what you like, step by step.
Start small. Talk to a friend. Visit a webshop like lielei.nl without the pressure to buy something, just to discover what exists. Read articles (well done!). Every small step is a way to rewrite that old story.
Because you deserve a sex life without shame. Period.
Want to know more about shame and taboos surrounding sex toys and intimacy? Listen to the Make Love Work podcast.
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