Communicating during sex

How to Say What You Want (Without Ruining the Moment)?

Sex is wonderful. Exciting. Intimate. And often... quiet. Many people find it exciting to talk during sex. Yet communication is the key to really nice, attuned sex. But how do you do that? How do you tell your partner to go harder, or softer? How do you indicate that you would rather have another spot touched, without disturbing the atmosphere?

In this blog we give you practical tips to communicate honestly, clearly and sexy in bed.

1. Make communication part of the excitement

Many people think of 'talking about sex' as a serious conversation at the kitchen table. That can certainly be valuable, but during sex itself it can also remain playful and exciting. A simple whisper like "a little softer there..." or "yes, stay there..." can give a lot of direction and increase the tension.

Tip: Start small. A compliment followed by a suggestion often works well, such as:
"Mmm, that feels nice... maybe a little slower?"

2. Use your body and your voice

Communication doesn’t always have to be verbal. You can also use your body to indicate what you want. Gently push a hand in a different direction, move your pelvis at a pace that feels comfortable to you, or hold someone still for a moment if you want to take a break.

Tip: Non-verbal contact can be a very sensual form of tuning in. Also pay attention to how your partner responds to your signals - this way you will learn to feel each other even better.

3. Say what you want, not just what you don't want

Negative feedback (“not there!” or “that hurts”) may be necessary – and should always be safe to give. But if that’s the only form of communication, it can feel like rejection. So try to also name what you do want.

Example: Instead of “don't be so rough”, you could say:
"Softer is better for me, then I feel you better."

4. Use positive reinforcement

When your partner does something you like, show it . Moaning, sighing, moving, or just saying “yes, like that” – it helps your partner understand what works and builds trust.

Bonus: People learn faster from positive feedback than from negative feedback. So the more you show what you like, the more often you get it back.

5. Be honest, but gentle

Sometimes you want something to go differently, but you're afraid of hurting your partner. Remember: true intimacy is also about vulnerability. When you say something in a loving way, you create space for more fun for both of you.

Example: “I'm really enjoying this moment, and I think I'd enjoy it even more if you moved your hand a little lower.”

6. After sex: debriefing without pressure

A short debrief doesn't have to be heavy. For example, ask: "What did you like best?" or "Was there anything you would have liked to be different?" This way you create space for growth, connection and even better sex in the future.

Communicating = sexy

Talking during sex doesn’t have to kill the mood – it can actually deepen it, make it more playful, and lead to more pleasure for both of you. See communication as part of foreplay and of the pleasure itself. And don’t be afraid to learn. That’s sexy too.

💬 Have you found a nice way to communicate during sex? Share it with us on Instagram @fun.with.lielei or leave a comment below this blog. You can also submit a question. Who knows, we might answer it soon in a video of #talkwithlielei . Curious how we do that? Then watch the video below.

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